May 28, 2009

I have been experiencing some highs and lows recently, full of energy and ready to take on any problem, or depressed and paralyzed with indecision.... Normal for my situation, or some previously dormant neurosis trying to get a foothold? Hard to say, but the future will likely answer that question.

I guess that colonoscopy gods took pity and smiled on me. I shared a room with another guy in for the same procedure, and felt like I had inadvertently wandered into a Seinfield episode. I got a visit from a competent anesthesiologist, and had an informative conversation about the difference between anesthesia and sedation. He got a visit from a nurse who gave him a short course in the lamaze method, describing sever cramp like pain, and deep breathing solutions. During recovery, he was in pain, and I was feeling fine. My nurse scurried in and out bringing coffee and juice, and making sure that I was warm enough, his nurse never showed up. He finally staggered out into the hall in search of help, was helped back into bed and abandoned by unidentified hospital personal, and his nurse still didn't show. He did ask for my doctors name, and was still there when I left. I hope that he survived.

I breezed through the colonoscopy with ease, and am now very proud of my healthy colon that will not have to be invaded again soon. Can ones body and mind get used to a “no holes barred” regimen of violent intrusion,.... if so, it is either a tribute to human adaptability, or blind obedience to a white smock..... Either way, it is path I have taken..... OK, well I do ask many questions.

Last week it hit me, I am, after all, an adventurer and a WIN, and decided to start acting the part. I pretended that I had just arrived in town, and went looking for fun things to do. WOW, it appears that I am near the epicenter of Pa. recreation. 100+ miles of navigable wilderness rivers complete with local paddling club, 100's of miles of hiking and bike trails, huge bolder fields, caverns, museums, etc.... Made me want to vacation here. LOL Anyway, I was overwhelmed with the possibilities, and at one point, felt that it would be hard to make the time to be sick. Realistic? Manic? Making lemonade? Avoiding the larger issues? A key to good health? Mid life crisis? Reasonable explanations all.

Of course the spell was broken by a conversation with a bladder cancer specialists at the Cleveland Clinic. (One of the best doctors and cancer treatment centers in the country.) He was brutally straight forward and honest, not ducking any questions, and was easily understandable. He mostly helped confirm and clarify things that I already knew, and helped narrow the big question. Do I give up more than 10, ten year survival percentage points, (80% Vs <70%, in an effort to join the 20% who successfully save their bladder. His opinion..... If I was a tiny bit worse, no question, out with the bladder and prostrate. If I was a lot better, no question, make a salvage effort. From a cancer perspective, no question,out with my organs, however, quality of life issues muddy the water. Success would be easy to take, early death would be painful and complicated, and life without a bladder could be fairly normal, or very complicated.

I need to decide this by next Tuesday. I appear adept at posing the questions, but clear answers seem above my intellect, and just out of reach. Maybe you have the answer..... feel free to comment.