One week until scan

Here we are, nearly a month has gone by..... I am still not inspired, but am feeling somewhat better.

Recently, I had the pleasure of a visit with my mom and brother Bill. My brother generously brought my mom to Ca. for a visit. I didn't have the stamina to do much touristing, but it was a great time with family.

I am still doing dialysis 3 times a week.... guess that I don’t need to mention dialysis, as it is kind of a forever thing.

Tuesday, I had minor surgery to improve my fistula. It has been 3 months, and it has not “matured” to the point of being useful.

My cancer scan has been rescheduled for Fri the 26th, and the anxiety is creeping into the corners of my brain. I have been there and done that before, but still cannot shed the underlying feeling of doom and gloom. It has been difficult to make decisions lately, I always want to wait until my next scan..... Karen pointed out that “there will always be the next scan”. A good point for sure..... but, I don’t see how to ignore a possible life changing event looming on the horizon.
I still have no energy, but am getting annoyed with myself for being so nonproductive. I am not sure if I am suffering the after effects of my surgery, or the ongoing effects of dialysis. History suggests that this is all part of the process... in a couple of months I will wake up feeling energetic, and ready to take on the world. Of course, that was in a pre dialysis world.

I am worried that “low energy” is a chronic dialysis condition. In 30 years of self employment, I have always been productive when I feel good. When I found my self being non productive, I would fix what ever was making me feel bad, and then get back to my energetic self. In all honesty, this scenario wasn't always a well conceived plan, carried out with loads of discipline, just something that I could notice while looking back. I have always suffered from lack of self discipline, but have been always been good at setting up situations where I want to work, and enjoy my project.

Honestly, I don’t think that this post is my best piece of writing, but it is the best that I can do right now. Hopefully, this is not a chronic condition.