April 3, 2009

Well, I had an interesting visit with Dr Lang on Tues..... He is a GP that has been the family Dr. for my sister and BIL for years. I went to him primarily for my pre-op examine for my April 20 surgery and a referral to a GI specialists for an over due colonoscopy. After all, why let the urologist have all of the fun. Lol The visit was unremarkable except for the heart murmur that he noticed.... It just keeps getting better..... Anyway, I am scheduled for an echo examine of the heart on Monday April 8. The doc. seems to think that it is no big deal, hope that he is right.

This week, I have been on the net gathering information regarding various bladder cancer treatments. After all, I spend hours researching what solar panel to use, or what light bulb is best. I really should learn as much as possible about my illness, as this is at least, a life changing situation, and at worst, a life threatening situation. I found lots of information, but I noticed that it left me a bit depressed. I am finding that studying about cancer really reinforces the fact that I am sick, and I start to identify with that side of me. I have to believe that feeling sick and depressed is counterproductive in this struggle. Maybe educating myself is the same as everything else in this bad dream...... debilitating, but necessary. I wonder how long the recovery period is for a couple of days on the internet. Maybe there is an educational protocol..... one day of research, followed by four days of dinners out, dancing, and walks on the beach.

Sometimes I am able to be grateful that things are not worse, focus on being alive, and make plans for the future. After all, I still seem to have a future at this point. Half full, or half empty.....hmmmm there is question that deserves some thought.

I don't mean to whine, but in truth, I am on an emotional roller coaster, and I suppose that it is only fair to reveal that side as well.