April 22. 2009

I am back in Clearfield, safely wrapped in my rolling cocoon. My surgery on Monday went about as expected, and the aftermath seems less severe than that of the last surgery. They took some more chunks of me to send off to the pathology pros, and had us stay over so my catheter could be removed on Wed. Before we could leave, I had to prove that I could pee...... talk about performance anxiety. LOL

My Doc. has lowered expectations for bladder retention to 35%...... Apparently there are risk factors in play other than the T1 staging, and the pathology report will provide enough information for some major decision making. I remain horrified at the prospect of life with no bladder.

There were some interesting encounters at the pre-op stage of the proceedings. In the first room, you get into one of those stylish little gowns, the nurses ask 20 questions, and they make you give up all of your stuff..... including glasses. Then they tell you that you will have to sign the consent forms after they take you down to the next pre-op room. I am sure that those of you who know me know what comes next. Very politely, I raised the question of reading the forms before signing...... Oh, don't worry, they will explain the forms.... My opinion repeated..... Oh yes, the forms will say that you have read and understand what is in the forms..... My opinion repeated..... But, this our policy, is the way we always do it..... My opinion repeated..... No one else complains. I turn to my sister, who, oddly enough , has a pained look on her face, and say “please be a witness to this conversation”. Time passes, nurses come and go..... and then they say “you can take your glasses”. OK, I know that it is a small victory, but it is something. The anesthesiologist let me cross out the “others” that can preform “medical procedures” as well, he laughed and said ”that shouldn't be in there”.

I am not good at accepting the absurd, and fear that I am the only one. For me to be branded as “difficult”, others must blindly go along with the foolishness. It is likely that I will never understand.

I find myself waiting for things to get back to normal, and then realizing that things will never get back to normal. Guess that I will be adjusting to a “new” normal, others manage it, so I suppose that I will as well. I am reminded of something that I read..... “Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass, it is about learning to dance in the rain.”

Special thanks to my sister Peg..... already the busiest person that I know, spent 3 days in Pittsburgh with me. Thanks also to my brother in law Tim, who filled in for Peg while she was gone.