October, 5, 2009

One week and counting.....Time is racing..... D day is next Monday...... I enter the hospital on Sunday morning for a day of testing and GI tract cleansing. It really doesn't get much better that that. LOL A very expensive place to stay, and only clear liquids on the menu.

I really don't know what to say.... my emotions are all over the map, and I expect that this is normal. My plan is to endure this week, get through next week, and do the best that I can after that. Not a great plan, or even a unique plan.... it is, I think, the only plan available. I think that I have done the best that I can considering the circumstances. My doctor is one of the best in the world, the hospital is very well regarded, and, apparently, my insurance co. is going to pay this time.

I am confident that I am doing the right thing, and hoping for a good outcome. I hope that I will end up with a “neo bladder”, although I know that it is an “operating room” decision for the surgeon. The doc. will try to preserve the nerves that allow men to preform like men. Needless to say, I am hoping for success.

The next big event, after the surgery, will be the pathology report. (48 hours after the surgery) They remove the bladder, prostate, and surrounding lymph nodes, and send them off to the lab. If it is “all clear”, then 95% chance that I won't ever have to deal with this again. If not “all clear”, then chemo, and a much reduced chance of survival.

In spite of my confidence in the decision, the doctor, the facility, and the procedure, I am still anxious, scared, angry, and horrified. Part of me thinks that even the best outcome is bad, and I find myself hoping for the “least worst” result. The other part of me recognizes that I may be avoiding a slow painful death, and be able to live a near normal life, The technology available is hard to believe, imagine, making new body parts. I guess that both of these are reasonable assessments.

The Ca. Dept. of Insurance has informed me that they are very happy that I contacted them, and they encourage me to stay in touch, but are unable to help with this particular problem. They say that my dispute with Health Net is a “he said, he said”...... Nothing that they can do, and that litigation is my next step. Disappointing, but I have to agree. I am still seeking a lawyer to take this on spec. If I am unsuccessful, I guess that I will do it myself...... a bit of David and Goliath drama.....

I am spending the day preparing for the hearing on my “relief from stay” motion. Imagine me in a suit and tie...... trying to make a reasoned argument with no emotion leaking out. I have the facts, and the law, on my side, but I realize that “facts and law” may not carry the day, and that they may be able to cause more delays. I will try to present myself as “poor but honest” seeking much needed justice.

Life has gotten very complicated, and much of the time I feel like giving up..... but today, I feel like a warrior..... OK, a backed into a corner, and greatly out numbered, warrior, but still willing to engage the battle.