July 7, 2009

I will be leaving Pa. for points west on Sat. Claudia, assuming that she survives the Mt. Whitney expedition, will meet me in Pittsburgh, and shepard me back to Ca.. We are planning to go across the top of the country, spend a few days in Oregon, and then south to Ca.

I have very mixed emotions about this. I have found that I really enjoy being around my family, yet going back to Ca. seems like going home to the family that I have adopted. My underlying thought seems to be that things will get back to normal when I get back to Ca, but I realize that things will never be back to the normal that I remember..... For me, normal has always included an optimistic view of the future. Right now part of me is pessimistic, and only sees the doom and gloom, and part of me is optimistic, aware of all of the good things, and expecting life to get better.

The standard answer is to feed the good thoughts, and starve the bad ones. I am having a hard time doing that, as the doom and gloom stuff refuses to be ignored. Treatment decisions, medical bills, reluctant insurance co, RE melt down, expiring building permit, eviction, and foreclosure (the foreclosure is regarding money owed to me)...... all circling me like a pack of wolves. The good things are there, family, friends, possible retirement, travel, adventure, etc..... but the wolves are always there, just outside the fire light.

I am receiving my last BCG treatment Wed, and will be done for 6 weeks. I am tolerating these treatments reasonably well, my bladder has gone from irritated to angry, and the rest of my body is annoyed with the entire process. Altogether not too bad. Best case scenario, I am cancer free at my next checkup, (6 weeks) and then cancer free at all of the following checkups ( every 3 months for 2 years, then every 6 months for 2 years, then every 1 year forever). Most likely scenario, cancer returns, followed by life without a bladder. Worse case scenario, cancer travels to other organs, and an early demise.

People with experience in this area say that anxiety will build as checkups approach. It will ease up as checkups pass, but will always be there. Now add in the items from the previous paragraph, and it feels like bears and buzzards have joined the wolves. Now I have always known that anxiety/stress is not good, and have always tried to avoid it, or fix the source. Unfortunately, I have never been able to deal with these kind of issues without a fair amount of stress, which likely is why I have cancer in the first place. (can you appreciate the irony?)

I guess that life has always been perilous, but now it seems that I must learn to live life with a new set of dangers.

In order to end this dreary post on a high note.... I attended a Sunday evening, drive in church service, with the rest of the family, in 3 different cars. The Baptist church owns some vacant land just outside of town, and have set up a stage there. They offered an hour of gospel music by a group from the next town over. There were about 30 cars there, with some of the people in folding chairs and the rest in their cars. The fun part came when people blew their horns in place of applause. The singers were a bit shocked at first, but seemed to enjoy it as well. Apparently this has been a tradition for the last 20 years, but a new experience for me.

In the interest of fairness, this weeks pictures are of my sisters bed and breakfast.... The Victorian Loft. Guests are pampered, and family and friends are always welcome. I enjoyed many fine meals here.