June 24, 2009

Today I had my 4th BCG treatment..... urethra and bladder are unhappy with the program, and still using all available resources to make me stop. It seems that you just can't reason with some body parts, it was, after all, my bladder that had the weak immigration policy that started this whole thing. The procedure and the days following are certainly uncomfortable, but the whole thing is tolerable, and I am still able to function.

Lately, I have been considering my mortality, (no big surprise there) and pondering the events and choices that brought me here. Several events have lined up to help focus my thoughts, and have given me a case of the “what ifs”.

I am immersed in family for the first time since my teens, parents, brothers and sisters, and nieces and nephews. Lunches, dinners, BBQ's, and other activities...... I have enjoyed the interaction, but I find myself most interested in the relationships between parents, children, and grandchildren..... did I mention that I have no kids, having passed up the joy and/or the heartbreak. The youth in the family are a pretty good bunch apparently, no mass murderers or meth addicts, no doubt a result of good parenting. Well ok, there are a few vegetarians, and several liberals. They are still young and may improve with age, but still very very disturbing. I am not confident that my parenting would have yielded the same result.

I recently had a long conversation with an old sweetheart. Still feel warm and fuzzy when I talk to her, a trip back into time. I realized that this is my longest romantic relationship, long term affection, nothing else feels quite the same.... 40 years. (Not to worry folks, she is safely married, and I realize that things would likely be different if this romance had followed a more traditional path.)

These events have literally given me a peek through the window of “the path not taken”.

For reasons that are explainable, I have lived an exciting and interesting life, at the expense of long term stability. I gave up the dream of family reunions and twin rocking chairs on the porch, for a memory rich in adventure, full of exciting events and encounters with remarkable people. Some were fleeting, with incredibly intense emotions, and some more enduring. Maybe like the difference between a series of short intense mystery stories, and a long involved novel. Most of these ended well, and still leave a warm spot in my heart, and a few exploded into chaos and left some scars. In the end, I guess that it made for an interesting life. I suppose that every one suffers a bit of the “path not taken” regrets, and I am sure that some think that the grass is greener on my side of the fence. I, however, am still wondering.

I think that in the end, lives are a reflection of the choices made. My life choices..... the result of some deep seated fear of commitment and responsibility, or cavalier responses to random circumstances. At this point, does it really matter, or can a look back at history improve the future?