August 28, 2009

Quick update...... The poke and peek procedure went about as expected, however, my bladder has not healed from the BCG treatments, and the doc. was unable to offer anything concrete. He described it as looking like hamburger. Sorry for that image, but I am just reporting the facts. He is recommending a cat scan to check the rest of my organs.... my last one was back in Feb, with an ex, and he is probably a bit jealous.
Dr. Boyd wants to have a serious talk in about 2 weeks..... sounds like bad news, but maybe he just wants to take this relationship to the next level.
I will write more when I feel better, and am not under the influence of dangerous drugs.

August 20, 2009

WARNING...... SERIOUS WHINING AHEAD!!!!!! Sorry, but it can't be helped.

First of all, sorry for not posting sooner. I generally wait until I feel inspired, and on top of things, but it just isn't happening. I have been feeling overwhelmed, and seem unable to turn things around. The wolves are still circling, and anxiety is high.

Anyway, I met with the Doc. at USC, and didn't really learn anything new, my chances are still poor...... funny, I keep changing doctors, and they keep saying the same thing. LOL I have an appointment for a “poke and peek” on Friday the 28th. I will be asleep, in the event that he needs to do some cutting, and will be happy to doze through the uncomfortable part, but not looking forward to the anesthesia hangover. I am hoping for some definite result this time.... I am worn out with the indecision.

I spent the day preparing one of my big guns in the insurance war. I am ready to send my complaint in to the Insurance Commissioner. Health Net led me and UPMC to believe that my surgeries would be covered, and now are trying to strand me with a $60,000 bill..... regardless of what they said, there is the fine print on page 42....... I have high hopes, after all, I am sure that the government will protect me from the giant corporation. LOL

Speaking of money, the guy that owes me $185,000 has filed bankruptcy. I think that it is just a delaying tactic, and expect a series of “requests for extensions”. In the end, I should get my money, or the houses. The trouble is, that I don't know if it will be a couple of months, or a couple of years.... a little something to work on in my spare time.

The good news is, I have found renters for my 2 vacant apartments. I still have some work to do getting them ready for move in, but it will be good to have them producing income again.

I must say that here, I am surrounded by long term friends. They are helpful and supportive in every way. Unfortunately, there is not much that they can do while I am embroiled in these battles. I am trying, but find it hard to be cheerful. I truly am grateful, but am not sure that it shows.

It seems that the reality here is...... life is not fair.... not news really, but I really hoped that it might be. Most of the trouble in my life has come from my own poor decisions, no fun, but well deserved. This time, I had done everything right, I had tons of insurance, money in the bank, and more on its way...... I even got solar for the MH...... what could go wrong?

August 10, 2009

So, tomorrow is a big day..... foreclosure sale and Dr. appointment. My mortgagee has not yet filed BK, she still might, but if not, then I get the property or my money. Woo Hoo. I could sure use the money, and am hopeful that this drama will end quietly. I am not expecting much from my first meeting with the new doctor, but am still excited about it.... you know, first date jitters.

I woke up with adrenalin seeping into system, and appeared poised to worry away the day, after all, it is what I do. But wait, not this time...... I made a conscious effort to relax, and have a serious talk with myself. “These events were not a surprise, I knew what to expect, and had a plan for most of the likely outcomes. Try to spend the day doing something useful.” Now I know that this doesn't seem like much to some of you, but for me, that was an excellent bit of therapy. Some good advice from a trusted friend.

Ok, so far, so good. I went into town, called to confirm my Dr. appointment, and got involved in an earthmoving project with some friends. Well ok, it was really rock moving..... very manly stuff. A huge pile of rocks, trucks, dump trailer, back hoe, a bobcat, and diesel fumes in the air. You could have cut the testosterone with a knife!!

The day was going very well, then crisis..... USC called and said that they had not received any of my records or the pathology slides. Yikes, no need to see a doctor that knows nothing of my condition. Instant adrenalin rush, another stern talk with myself, a flurry of faxes, and all ok. Beat the Pittsburgh UPS man with minuets to spare. I would like to think that it was just a mistake, but, I had broken it off rather suddenly.

The day ended by unsticking a truck and loaded trailer that was buried about a ¼ mile down a dirt bike trail. Well, I wont name names, wouldn't want to embarrass anyone, but more trucks, even larger machines, and more testosterone. Altogether a fine day.

August 3, 2009

Ok, another quick update. I have decided to end my relationship with UPMC, and have made a date with the seductive and available Dr. Boyd at USC Norris. I do not have hard feelings, in fact, I have many fond memories and still think that UPMC is a wonderful hospital, with lots to offer. I am sure that, given time to heal, they will find another bladder cancer patient.

My appointment will be in the afternoon of August 11, oddly enough, the same day that the foreclosure sale is supposed to take place in the morning. A double header, so to speak. It is likely that neither of these events will yield definitive results. Dr. Boyd may want to get to know me better, and not want to “do it” on the first date, and my mortgagee has threatened bankruptcy, which would delay the sale. Still, I am pleased to have things moving forward.

On another front, I just got a look at my file from the local clinic.... I guess that I should bring everyone up to date. I probably had the first symptoms of my cancer back in the fall of 2007, and went to the local clinic. They found microscopic blood in my urine, and prescribed antibiotics. The problem persisted, and different drugs were prescribed...... Symptoms disappeared. Several doctors have said, very definitively, that “any blood in urine, straight to the urologist”, anything else is severe malpractice. Now, I am not generally the type to engage the lawyers, but I thought I might have no choice...... Back to the clinic file. On the notes from my 3^rd and last visit, at the bottom of the page, away from everything else on the bottom of the page, were the following words..... “urologist consult advised”.

This advice never happened, I know me, and I would have been all over that recommendation. Why, what might be wrong, is this important, is this just defensive medicine? It is well known, legendary in fact, that I always question authority. It has been a habit/hobby of mine since I was.... well, about 4 years old. My family, friends, and I have suffered greatly as a result. I remember annoying the appointment person and the physicians assistant I was scheduled to see, questioning why I was seeing him a instead of a “real doctor”. I know that I would have demanded a discussion about that recommendation, and would In fact, not have taken it lightly.

Over the last 7 months I have noticed many warnings and disclaimers, in reports and notes, that never actually took place. At first I was amused, but now I see why, CYA Note to self, and everyone else..... Always get the reports and notes, and read them carefully. I guess that I will be fully prepared if I survive this illness, and am stricken with something else..... Maybe a career as a consultant, give seminars, go on Oprah.... Anyway, lesson learned, and one less thing to worry about.

After a moment of introspection, I realize that, during my years as a home inspector, I have likely been guilty of the same thing.

One last thing, everyone here keeps saying how good I look. Seems that everyone expected me to look like someone that had been through hell. My treatments were mostly contained in the bladder, and not the kind that made me nauseous and unable to eat. I can, however, assure you that if you could see the inside of my bladder, you would be horrified, get that look on your face, and start to ooze sympathy.

I have noticed, if I don't act sick, people don't treat me like I am sick, and that, is a very good thing.

July 27, 2009

I made it back to Frazier Park, and it is good to be back in familiar territory..... I expected to be happily writing humorous stories about the trip west, but I can't seem to do it. All is not lost however, Claudia has documented the trip very well. Check out her blog..... “Black dogs house on wheels”.

I have spent a couple of days doing chores and taking stock of my business interests. There is so much to do, and so many decisions to make. Yup, stress is attacking me from all angles, and the wolves are still circling.

My next appointment is about 4 weeks away, and anticipatory anxiety seems to have found a spot in the back of my brain. Knowing that stress is bad for me seems to cause more stress..... Anyway,I am trying to put off as many decisions as possible until after I find out if the BCG treatments were successful. I have never been comfortable making decisions with incomplete information, and now there are so many “unknowns” in the equations that there are no reasonable solutions. As of now, I am unable to form a plan that makes sense..... very disturbing.

The question of the day....... Should I be faithful, and go back to UPMC for the scheduled “poke and peek”, or start a new relationship with the pros at USC Norris?.... (One of the top bladder cancer centers in the country.) There is a lot to be said for each of these choices. I already have an intimate relationship with the folks at UPMC.... no “first time” jitters there, and they already know what to expect in my bladder. I would kind of hate to break up with them. USC Norris however, is very attractive, and available. A classic dilemma. There is also the insurance issue, Health Net would like to hook me up with USC Norris (in my network), and is still unhappy with my affair with UPMC, and is still refusing to pay...... about $64,000 at this point.

My advice, read the fine print, all of it.... and maybe record all conversations with the insurance people...... they seem to have a very short memory. You are really not in the “good hands”.

Sorry about the complaining nature of this post, but after several attempts, this is what happens when I start typing.

July 22, 2009

Just another update..... I am in Logsten, Or. and will be leaving here tomorrow for points south. I spent a couple of days in Elkton, Or, visiting Sandy and Bob, and have been visiting the Win's here in Logsten, Oregon since Monday. I have been getting my last taste of vacation before getting home and engaging the many issues that await me there. As always, near the end of an adventure, my mind has been shifting from the enjoyable events here, to the necessities of life that will be my focus for the next 4 weeks. I have much to do, but will have to hold off any major decisions until after my Dr. appointment on the 19th of August.

I am now 2 weeks beyond my last intimate encounter with my BCG nurse, (I haven't heard from her, not even a phone call...) and am beginning to feel much better. My bladder is still somewhat annoyed with me, but seems willing to forgive and forget, and appears to be rebuilding it's lining in an effort to return to normal.

I will try to post some trip pictures after I get settled in Frazier Park.

July 15, 2009

Hi all, Just a quick update...... For the first Wed. in a long time, NO BGC TREATMENT. Woo Hooo. I could almost feel my bladder cringe when I started the motor home this afternoon. Now I will get to see how it feels to be 8 days since my last treatment.... much anticipation.

Claudia and I have made it to Bozeman Montana, and expect to reach Oregon in a couple of days. I will try to post some pics soon.

July 12, 2009

Hi all, As you all know, I finished my BCG treatments on Wednesday, and am not due back to the doctor until Aug. 19, so there really won't be much medical news until then. I am feeling OK, but still have no stamina. I expect to feel better soon.

I picked up Claudia in Pittsburgh and headed west. We spent the first night in Cambridge, Ohio. and are now in Iowa City, Iowa, parked behind a strip mall for the night. We plan to stop at Mt. Rushmore for a couple of days of sightseeing, and then on to Oregan see friends and to meet up with the Wins.

I have said good by to my parents and siblings for a while, and look forward to seeing all of my friends soon. I will try to post a trip report and pics. as soon as I get back to Ca.

July 7, 2009

I will be leaving Pa. for points west on Sat. Claudia, assuming that she survives the Mt. Whitney expedition, will meet me in Pittsburgh, and shepard me back to Ca.. We are planning to go across the top of the country, spend a few days in Oregon, and then south to Ca.

I have very mixed emotions about this. I have found that I really enjoy being around my family, yet going back to Ca. seems like going home to the family that I have adopted. My underlying thought seems to be that things will get back to normal when I get back to Ca, but I realize that things will never be back to the normal that I remember..... For me, normal has always included an optimistic view of the future. Right now part of me is pessimistic, and only sees the doom and gloom, and part of me is optimistic, aware of all of the good things, and expecting life to get better.

The standard answer is to feed the good thoughts, and starve the bad ones. I am having a hard time doing that, as the doom and gloom stuff refuses to be ignored. Treatment decisions, medical bills, reluctant insurance co, RE melt down, expiring building permit, eviction, and foreclosure (the foreclosure is regarding money owed to me)...... all circling me like a pack of wolves. The good things are there, family, friends, possible retirement, travel, adventure, etc..... but the wolves are always there, just outside the fire light.

I am receiving my last BCG treatment Wed, and will be done for 6 weeks. I am tolerating these treatments reasonably well, my bladder has gone from irritated to angry, and the rest of my body is annoyed with the entire process. Altogether not too bad. Best case scenario, I am cancer free at my next checkup, (6 weeks) and then cancer free at all of the following checkups ( every 3 months for 2 years, then every 6 months for 2 years, then every 1 year forever). Most likely scenario, cancer returns, followed by life without a bladder. Worse case scenario, cancer travels to other organs, and an early demise.

People with experience in this area say that anxiety will build as checkups approach. It will ease up as checkups pass, but will always be there. Now add in the items from the previous paragraph, and it feels like bears and buzzards have joined the wolves. Now I have always known that anxiety/stress is not good, and have always tried to avoid it, or fix the source. Unfortunately, I have never been able to deal with these kind of issues without a fair amount of stress, which likely is why I have cancer in the first place. (can you appreciate the irony?)

I guess that life has always been perilous, but now it seems that I must learn to live life with a new set of dangers.

In order to end this dreary post on a high note.... I attended a Sunday evening, drive in church service, with the rest of the family, in 3 different cars. The Baptist church owns some vacant land just outside of town, and have set up a stage there. They offered an hour of gospel music by a group from the next town over. There were about 30 cars there, with some of the people in folding chairs and the rest in their cars. The fun part came when people blew their horns in place of applause. The singers were a bit shocked at first, but seemed to enjoy it as well. Apparently this has been a tradition for the last 20 years, but a new experience for me.

In the interest of fairness, this weeks pictures are of my sisters bed and breakfast.... The Victorian Loft. Guests are pampered, and family and friends are always welcome. I enjoyed many fine meals here.

June 30, 2009

A quiet week from any perspective..... Treatments moving along as expected, next to the last tomorrow. I hope that they are working well, but won't know until about 6 weeks later. (I plan to fly to Pittsburgh for this checkup.) The original 3 month checkup, has morphed into a 6 week checkup, with no explanation. My Doctors head nurse is off for a month, and I am working through surrogates. I guess that it will be better to know some results sooner rather than later, but I really was looking forward to 3 months away from doctors and hospitals...... A chance to get some of the necessary things done in Ca. I guess that I will have to work twice as fast..... or do half as much. LOL

For the last 10 days I have been the guest of my brother Bill, and his wife Bet, both very good hosts. They live in a home fit for an architectural magazine, on 5 manicured acres, in the middle of 160 acres of forest. Well ok, all of my siblings are successful, and live in fine houses, makes me wonder what happened to me. LOL

My brother has been helping me with a couple of long overdue jobs on the motor home.... Installing the catalytic heater, and putting a new rotor in the generator. I can't thank him enough.

Bill, Bet, Baxter, and Potter

A very nice RV site

Big front yard

New heater replaces the small cabinet door under the sink

Brother Bill, master craftsman

Finished product

Heater aimed at my favorite chair

Generator and old rotor

Give me a lever and a place to stand..... Archimedes, 340 AD.... Still works